Look, I like a good torch song as much as the next person. Many such tunes are really big hits; acknowledged classics even! And, as a musician, I’d be delusional to even try to deny the obvious fact that the love song is anything but the cornerstone (if not the very foundation) upon which our popular music is built. But I have to admit that I do get a little tired of some of the conventions. I mean, how can thoughtful, creative, successful people expect us to believe that they are literally “incomplete” without the presence of their significant other? Color me cynical. Yes, I do realize that they are all very-likely engaging in hyperbole, and that we do live in a post-modern age. But come on! Am I to accept that serious, independent-minded men (and/or women) simply “cannot live without” their female (and/or male) counterparts. Please, give me a break. So it got me to thinking about the Anti-Love Song as a counterpoint to the traditional Love Song. Now, I realize that this is nothing new, not by a longshot. In fact, a quick internet search will reveal dozens of wryly-written classic tunes that cleverly, and sometimes even humorously, mine this creative vein. And then this occurred to me: How far could it go? If you were to take the sincerest sentiments of the classic torch song, and took them -stretched them- to their most absurd extremes. Where would it end?
LYRICS:
{Intro}
Ooh woman if I had you
I’d do anything I had to
I’d walk on broken glass
If I thought you would smile
I’d stand up on my head
If you would stay awhile
Ooh woman if I had you
I’d give everything I had to
If you’re not satisfied
I’d open up my veins
If it would make you happy
I’ll blow out my brains
{Interlude / Solo}
Ooh woman if I had you
I’d do everything I had to
If you decide to leave
I’ll dig a six foot hole
Cuz when you’re through with me
I will not have a ...
If you decide to leave
I’ll dig a six foot hole
Cuz when you’re through with me
I will...not...have a...soul!